The pretty young sales clerk smiled and asked, “Do you need any help?” I answered, “I need help in more ways than I can answer but for the moment I need you to assist me in purchasing a gift for my wife. I want to give her something special to celebrate the 30th anniversary of the day I proposed.” She sighed, “That is so sweet. I have been engaged for two weeks. What is the secret of a long and happy marriage?” As I made my purchase we talked about the ‘secret’. Others may have their opinion but Cathy and I are more in love now and having more fun than we did on our honeymoon so if your ‘secret’ works for you good enough but here is mine…
There is no real secret! It takes love, hard work, commitment, and a determined obedience to do what you promised to do in front of each other, whatever witnesses gathered at the wedding and God. Now, I realize that does not sell many movie tickets or romance novels but you can ask my wife and she will tell you that we have more lasting REAL romantic moments and REAL romance than any of those fiction novels or movies! Now we both will admit that we have had our adventures with learning each other over the years. (How’s that for PC language in saying that some passionate discussions are not always made with smiling faces?) However, we always wind up better and stronger in our love.
One problem with so many relationships is the misunderstanding of love. A good example comes from an old country song by Tom T. Hall entitled, ‘I Love’. It is meant to be a sweet simple song serenading a girl but listen to a verse; “I love leaves in the wind, pictures of my friends, birds in the world, and squirrels. I love coffee in a cup, little fuzzy pups, bourbon in a glass, and grass and I love you too.” Now, I don’t know about you but I think I realize why ole Tom T. had trouble stayin’ married. When one is on the same level as a glass of whiskey and squirrels one should begin to smell the coffee, which is also on the same level as the love he feels for you “TOO”!
Real love that is the ‘secret’ to marriage is best described in New Testament. Read 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 for a good description. The New Testament was originally written in the Greek language. The Greeks had more than one word for love. Three words are prominently used in the Bible. EROS is the physical attraction that usually causes us to notice one another in the first place. It may change from time to time as our physical appearance may do so over the years so a relation built entirely on EROS will be shaky. PHILIA describes the love of a best friend. Philadelphia, the city of Brotherly Love gets its name from that word. Then there is AGAPE which is different. Both of the previous ‘loves’ have to do with feelings and emotions. However AGAPE is not a feeling or emotion but a willful decision of the mind to love someone, even if they are hard to love, unlovable, disappoint you or don’t wind up as you hoped or even happen to be an enemy. Agape is the unfailing love that God has for us. It is truly humanly impossible to have this love without Christ in your life. That is why so many marriages without Jesus do not last.
One can have a relationship based on attraction or looks and when attraction wanes or someone else looks good the attraction goes in that direction. That love is conditional and does usually not last. One can have a relationship based on friendship that is good but without enough passion and commitment to last when things get tough, as they will in this sin-scarred world. None of us get through this life without wounds. That love is also conditional and does not usually last on its own. However, when a relationship has the foundation of Christ who gives us His power to love, forgive & forget and hang in there beyond our human resources when the conditions fluctuate, as they will, THEN we will have the secret! A relationship that balances EROS (attraction), PHILIA, (friendship) and AGAPE (a willful commitment to love and never leave or forsake no matter what happens) has found the secret that is worth sharing.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
I didn't think my life would turn out like this!
“I didn’t think my life would turn out like this!” That’s what my dad told me as he assessed situation of being a widower and his necessity to move away from his home and have assistance due to continued declining health. Actually none of us really know exactly how the story of our lives will turn out or how the story will end. When asked, most people say they do not want to know how or when they will die. On the contrary I do want to know how and when I will die! I realize I am different but if I knew when it was going to happen, then a week before I am going to die I would eat nothing but Double Stuffed Oreos and Ice Cream! Why bother eating fruit when there is just a week left! On a more serious note I did hear one lady late in her long life say that if she had it all to do over again she would “eat more ice cream and less beans”. (My translation: beans are good for you and are a necessary part of your diet, but ice cream is more fun…or more simply, ”Do what is necessary in life but have as much fun as possible as you do it!”)
Famous author Stephen Covey writes that we are responsible for 90% of what happens to our lives, which is the way we react to the 10% of that which we cannot control. I have read his works and agree that our reaction is important but respectfully disagree with his math. (But I am sure, as a best selling author, he worries about my disagreement all the way to the bank). There are some who are born into a family of abuse, addiction or dysfunction that affects their lives on a larger percentage than 10%. Others cannot control the health that changes their lives. I have known many who have had their lives turn out in very surprising and shocking ways when a spouse becomes unfaithful, has a disease or dies creating a life situation out of their control but it destroys their dreams and their future.
I have learned that there are some parts of our life story that we simply cannot control. In spite of my desire know how and when my life will end (to get a head start on my Oreo binge if for no other reason) I cannot know the ending. Regardless of my desire to work things out the way I think best, I do not always know the best way. I do not have complete knowledge. Isaiah 55: 8 reminds me, God’s thoughts are not my thoughts and his ways are not my ways. I have to trust God even when I don’t understand and it doesn’t make sense to me. I know he loves me and he knows best. While one can not control how or when life will end in this world, when we place our faith in Christ we can have the assurance of what happens afterward. Jesus comes to take us to be with him (John 14:1-4).
Life here does have its uncertain qualities. However, there are some parts of my life story that I can write. I can write what I do today. Dad did not know his life would turn out like this but he did have a plaque on his desk that read, “For every minute you are angry, you lose 60 seconds of happiness!” He taught me that we may not know how things will turn out in this world but we can make the most of each moment. I remember growing up in a home of laughter. I still am famous for asking my wife, in the middle of one of those ‘discussions’ that married couples sometimes have, “OK how long to we have to stay mad about this? Is 3 minutes OK or do we have to use up 5?” (Take it from me, under those circumstances that question does not normally subtract minutes but I am a slow learner in some things).
Ecclesiastes 11 4-6 tells us, “Whoever watches the wind will not plant; whoever looks at the clouds will not reap. As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things. Sow your seed in the morning, and at evening let not your hands be idle, for you do not know which will succeed, whether this or that, or whether both will do equally well.” One way of understanding what this scripture is telling us is to stop waiting to figure everything out or find the perfect time or answer for things in life. Sometimes one has to make the most of the opportunity at hand because we do not know what tomorrow may bring. So…sow while you can. Trust God with the harvest!
Famous author Stephen Covey writes that we are responsible for 90% of what happens to our lives, which is the way we react to the 10% of that which we cannot control. I have read his works and agree that our reaction is important but respectfully disagree with his math. (But I am sure, as a best selling author, he worries about my disagreement all the way to the bank). There are some who are born into a family of abuse, addiction or dysfunction that affects their lives on a larger percentage than 10%. Others cannot control the health that changes their lives. I have known many who have had their lives turn out in very surprising and shocking ways when a spouse becomes unfaithful, has a disease or dies creating a life situation out of their control but it destroys their dreams and their future.
I have learned that there are some parts of our life story that we simply cannot control. In spite of my desire know how and when my life will end (to get a head start on my Oreo binge if for no other reason) I cannot know the ending. Regardless of my desire to work things out the way I think best, I do not always know the best way. I do not have complete knowledge. Isaiah 55: 8 reminds me, God’s thoughts are not my thoughts and his ways are not my ways. I have to trust God even when I don’t understand and it doesn’t make sense to me. I know he loves me and he knows best. While one can not control how or when life will end in this world, when we place our faith in Christ we can have the assurance of what happens afterward. Jesus comes to take us to be with him (John 14:1-4).
Life here does have its uncertain qualities. However, there are some parts of my life story that I can write. I can write what I do today. Dad did not know his life would turn out like this but he did have a plaque on his desk that read, “For every minute you are angry, you lose 60 seconds of happiness!” He taught me that we may not know how things will turn out in this world but we can make the most of each moment. I remember growing up in a home of laughter. I still am famous for asking my wife, in the middle of one of those ‘discussions’ that married couples sometimes have, “OK how long to we have to stay mad about this? Is 3 minutes OK or do we have to use up 5?” (Take it from me, under those circumstances that question does not normally subtract minutes but I am a slow learner in some things).
Ecclesiastes 11 4-6 tells us, “Whoever watches the wind will not plant; whoever looks at the clouds will not reap. As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things. Sow your seed in the morning, and at evening let not your hands be idle, for you do not know which will succeed, whether this or that, or whether both will do equally well.” One way of understanding what this scripture is telling us is to stop waiting to figure everything out or find the perfect time or answer for things in life. Sometimes one has to make the most of the opportunity at hand because we do not know what tomorrow may bring. So…sow while you can. Trust God with the harvest!
Friday, March 12, 2010
The Blues Just Natch’ly Comes Through
As a boy I wanted to play the guitar. Dad surprised me with an expensive guitar he purchased from a client. It was slightly used but a real bargain. I still remember him smiling as he shared this direct quote, “Mr. Jack I needs to get rid of this thang. We had a revival at church and I got religion. I keep trying to play church songs but the blues just natch’ly comes through so I got’s to sell her.” I was only a boy but the quote stayed with me as the years passed because I often identify with the struggle with my own shortcomings.
I would love to own a Harley. However, I haven’t driven a motorcycle in years. I probably wore out several guardian angels not having the discipline to drive slowly. I often think John Newton writing Amazing Grace added the verse; “Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far” just for me. I even walk fast today but my two legs do not have enough horsepower to get me into trouble. I really learned my lesson during one of my many mid-life crisis times (I stopped calling them mid-life because I am now 57 and don’t think I will make 114 at my pace). I bought a used Porsche. I got my first ticket four days later. My local police chief told me red sports cars were ticketed more than any other. I thanked him for the tip, after the fact! Anyway, I was on my way to an out of town conference. It was a beautiful day. I put in my driving music and hit the road. A car with a radar detector (fuzz buster as some call them) zoomed past me. I thought, “I’ll hang with you & let you run interference & we’ll enjoy the road today.” I turned up the volume, dropped the peddle and we were off. I was thoroughly enjoying weaving through traffic with my high speed ‘escort’ when I noticed buildings that seemed unusual. I had become so captivated with my enjoyable drive that I was in the wrong city (not only does time fly by when you are having fun but evidently so do exit signs), but “Man, I made great time!” God truly convicted me. So…”I got’s to sell her.” I now drive an 11 year old economy truck ("old man truck" according to my girls).
Whether it is ‘playing the blues’, which I still enjoy by the way or being undisciplined in other areas of life. Each of us has our own primary avenue that more easily leads to disaster and destruction. Usually they can be categorized in the famous triad of PRIDE (vanity), FEAR or SLOTH (we are simply too lazy to do the work to improve or better ourselves).
One does not have to look much farther than the mirror to find Robert Lewis Stevenson’s inspiration for the classic, ‘Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde’ where the good Dr. Henry Jekyll experiments with his evil curisoties until he is overcome by them. Paul, the Apostle, wrote of this in Romans 7, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.”
All of us struggle with our weaknesses. Jesus tells us, in the Sermon on the Mount, “If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.” Obviously he is not advocating bodily mutilation but leaving those things that cause us trouble. This is why I don’t go down the cookie isle in the grocery store. There are Double Stuff Oreos on the shelf! I can hear them calling me!
God created us to live an abundant life (John 10:10). We cannot do so if we are slaves to the things that cause us to stumble. Jesus gives us the power to say no. Each of us knows our own primary avenue that more easily leads to disaster and destruction. To get the most joy out of your life, go ahead and give the culprit a name (confession) and realize it is time when “I gots to sell her.” (repent)and give it up. The power of the Holy Spirit can allow you to go in a different direction and really enjoy the music!
I would love to own a Harley. However, I haven’t driven a motorcycle in years. I probably wore out several guardian angels not having the discipline to drive slowly. I often think John Newton writing Amazing Grace added the verse; “Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far” just for me. I even walk fast today but my two legs do not have enough horsepower to get me into trouble. I really learned my lesson during one of my many mid-life crisis times (I stopped calling them mid-life because I am now 57 and don’t think I will make 114 at my pace). I bought a used Porsche. I got my first ticket four days later. My local police chief told me red sports cars were ticketed more than any other. I thanked him for the tip, after the fact! Anyway, I was on my way to an out of town conference. It was a beautiful day. I put in my driving music and hit the road. A car with a radar detector (fuzz buster as some call them) zoomed past me. I thought, “I’ll hang with you & let you run interference & we’ll enjoy the road today.” I turned up the volume, dropped the peddle and we were off. I was thoroughly enjoying weaving through traffic with my high speed ‘escort’ when I noticed buildings that seemed unusual. I had become so captivated with my enjoyable drive that I was in the wrong city (not only does time fly by when you are having fun but evidently so do exit signs), but “Man, I made great time!” God truly convicted me. So…”I got’s to sell her.” I now drive an 11 year old economy truck ("old man truck" according to my girls).
Whether it is ‘playing the blues’, which I still enjoy by the way or being undisciplined in other areas of life. Each of us has our own primary avenue that more easily leads to disaster and destruction. Usually they can be categorized in the famous triad of PRIDE (vanity), FEAR or SLOTH (we are simply too lazy to do the work to improve or better ourselves).
One does not have to look much farther than the mirror to find Robert Lewis Stevenson’s inspiration for the classic, ‘Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde’ where the good Dr. Henry Jekyll experiments with his evil curisoties until he is overcome by them. Paul, the Apostle, wrote of this in Romans 7, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.”
All of us struggle with our weaknesses. Jesus tells us, in the Sermon on the Mount, “If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.” Obviously he is not advocating bodily mutilation but leaving those things that cause us trouble. This is why I don’t go down the cookie isle in the grocery store. There are Double Stuff Oreos on the shelf! I can hear them calling me!
God created us to live an abundant life (John 10:10). We cannot do so if we are slaves to the things that cause us to stumble. Jesus gives us the power to say no. Each of us knows our own primary avenue that more easily leads to disaster and destruction. To get the most joy out of your life, go ahead and give the culprit a name (confession) and realize it is time when “I gots to sell her.” (repent)and give it up. The power of the Holy Spirit can allow you to go in a different direction and really enjoy the music!
Thursday, March 4, 2010
A Different Perspective
So I am wondering when God will give up trying to teach me patience…I get a phone call telling me that one of my Dad’s best friends from back home has died. I don’t need to tell him this over the phone. Cathy and I go to tell him in person. On the way we stop to get his favorite snack to soften the bad news, he told me earlier in the day to bring him some Honey Buns (when you are nearly 84 you should eat all the sweets you can). I swing in the store to quickly grab a box and head to the express counter (I am always at top speed even when I don’t need to hurry...it is just my pace of life). A lady with a few more items than me almost pushes me out of the way to go ahead. OK, I am a gentleman (even though I only have one item) my mother taught me Ladies’ go first so I step back. She then seeks to pay with a food stamps card. It doesn’t work. The young high school clerk struggles to make it work. The woman becomes indignant barking instructions embarrassing the young clerk.
I am now growing impatient; my wife is waiting in the car. I told her I would only be a second. We are trying to visit Dad and share the news, stay to comfort him and then still get home without staying up too late because we both have early work days tomorrow. I am now thinking about leaving the single box of Honey Buns (I can get some later) and just leaving. However, that will call attention to me as someone who seems publicly impatient and now I spy my next door neighbor at the next register. She knows I am a pastor and I need to be aware of my public behavior. “Lord, will you try to teach me to be patient at a better time?”
Now the manager has been called in and he is not helping to expedite the situation. The line behind me is growing longer as the manager is struggling to make the food stamps card work. I am now thinking about just paying for her groceries myself so we can get on the way…wait she is trying to pay with a food stamps card. I am a tax payer. I AM ALREADY PAYING FOR HER GROCERIES! “Lord why won’t you teach me patience some other time?”
Finally the manager tells her the card simply will not work. The woman PULLS OUT CASH and PAYS FOR THE GROCERIES! “Lord why won’t you teach me patience some other time?”
I get out to the car and Cathy asks me what took so long…as I tell the story and get wound up (I am a preacher, I am a professional at getting wound up). I then begin to realize all that has happened to me is a few extra minutes in an express lane. I am not about to hear news that my best friend has died. I am not a grieving widow back in my home town who has lost her mate and best friend of most of her life. I settle down and thank God for the lesson in perspective and PATIENCE. “Thank you Lord for teaching me patience at this time!”
I am now growing impatient; my wife is waiting in the car. I told her I would only be a second. We are trying to visit Dad and share the news, stay to comfort him and then still get home without staying up too late because we both have early work days tomorrow. I am now thinking about leaving the single box of Honey Buns (I can get some later) and just leaving. However, that will call attention to me as someone who seems publicly impatient and now I spy my next door neighbor at the next register. She knows I am a pastor and I need to be aware of my public behavior. “Lord, will you try to teach me to be patient at a better time?”
Now the manager has been called in and he is not helping to expedite the situation. The line behind me is growing longer as the manager is struggling to make the food stamps card work. I am now thinking about just paying for her groceries myself so we can get on the way…wait she is trying to pay with a food stamps card. I am a tax payer. I AM ALREADY PAYING FOR HER GROCERIES! “Lord why won’t you teach me patience some other time?”
Finally the manager tells her the card simply will not work. The woman PULLS OUT CASH and PAYS FOR THE GROCERIES! “Lord why won’t you teach me patience some other time?”
I get out to the car and Cathy asks me what took so long…as I tell the story and get wound up (I am a preacher, I am a professional at getting wound up). I then begin to realize all that has happened to me is a few extra minutes in an express lane. I am not about to hear news that my best friend has died. I am not a grieving widow back in my home town who has lost her mate and best friend of most of her life. I settle down and thank God for the lesson in perspective and PATIENCE. “Thank you Lord for teaching me patience at this time!”
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